New Year's resolutions

A new year is always a good time for resolutions. Here's a few we'd like to see in 2009:

-- Anyone who has borrowed money from Citigroup, GMAC or the two dozen other bankrupt financial entities that have been bailed out with federal funds can deduct the balance of their monthly loan payments from their income tax.

-- Bernie must spell his last name phonetically, which would make it Made-off, as in ''made off with $50 billion.''

-- Alan Greenspan must wear an orange robe and serve as translator for the Dalai Lama at all of his press conferences for the next 10 years.

-- Any major league baseball franchise playing in a stadium still named after a bankrupt financial institution automatically finishes the season in last place.

-- Hank Paulson must reimburse anyone who possesses a dollar bill that bears his signature for the difference between the actual and face value of this currency.

-- The U.S. Treasury will cut exorbitant printing costs by outsourcing production of new Benjamins to North Korean counterfeiters, whose low-cost photocopies look better than the originals anyway.

-- Foreclosed properties in the Hamptons and Beverly Hills will be awarded to homeless families by lottery.

-- Any Congressional bailout of state governments will require the Dakotas, Virginias and Carolinas to merge to cut costs.

-- New York City will rezone Wall Street to make it part of the Garment District to accommodate impending transfer of sock production back to the U.S. from China.

-- Chrysler will offer free Corinthian leather to anyone who buys a new Dodge.

-- The Securities and Exchange Commission will relocate to Baghdad, where it will be responsible for guarding the Green Zone.

-- The price of a barrel of oil will be pegged to the price of two corned beef sandwiches at the Carnegie Deli.

-- Ponzi's heirs will receive royalties every time his name is mentioned.

-- Ponzi's heirs will be permitted to sell shares to investors of future royalty revenue. New global derivatives market will be created by bundling risk management instruments guaranteeing debt of Ponzi investors. Ponzi credit swaps will be quietly spread throughout the global financial system, backed by World Bank.

-- Ponzi Bubble will fuel Great Economic Recovery of '09. Wall Street will be rezoned as financial center. Sock production will return to China.

-- Statue of Ponzi will be erected on Wall Street. Ponzi will be standing behind the bronze bull, holding a broom.