Talk to the hand

The fiscal calamity in California moved closer to the brink of total collapse this week, as the state -- which has yet to pass a budget for the fiscal year that began July 1 -- printed up nearly $600 million worth of IOUs.

Unless Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger manages to miraculously find a way to close a mammoth $24-billion budget gap during the holiday weekend, the first wave of 30,000 promissory notes will start flowing out to recipients, including residents awaiting their income tax rebates from the state. The IOUs will require California to repay the owed amounts, along with substantial interest.

The Governator thought he had a deal with the state legislature to approve a budget and stop the fiscal bleeding, cobbled together after months of arm-wrestling, but this package fell apart when voters decisively rejected a referendum authorizing new taxes. Without a budget deal, state officials have confirmed that California will run out of money by the end of this month.

The Golden State was among several states, mainly in the West and Southeast, that were clobbered by the collapse of the real estate market. Unemployment in California currently stands at close to 12 percent. In the desperate scramble to avoid a default by the nation's largest state, which could further drag down the struggling U.S. economy, Arnold has proposed everything from selling the L.A. Coliseum to releasing thousands of prisoners from state penitentiaries.

As far as we know, the Golden Gate Bridge is not on the auction block yet, but there are some unconfirmed reports that several Terminator costumes and a Mr. Universe belt have turned up on Ebay.

Of the 46 U.S, states that have fiscal years ending on June 30, Illinois and Pennsylvania also have failed to pass balanced budgets while Arizona has passed a partial budget. Connecticut, North Carolina and Ohio have measures in place to keep their governments running until they pass full budgets.

So as California residents prepare to celebrate the Fourth of July -- which marks, among other things, a declaration that taxation without representation is not acceptable in America -- they may find an IOU in their mailbox instead of a tax refund. We're guessing these notices feature a picture of Arnold over the caption, ''Refund? Talk to the hand. I'll get back to you.''

Which raises some interesting questions:

If the citizens of California had simply written ''IOU'' on their state income tax returns when they sent them in, would Arnold still be proposing to reduce the state's prison population?

Or would the Governator be rounding up all the delinquent taxpayers and building more jails?

Have a glorious Fourth, taxpayers.

Edelweiss meets Evita

''Don't cry for me, Ben Bernanke.''

''You were supposed to be a genius. That's all we asked for--''

''You mind your business.''

''We kept our promise.''

''You keep your distance.''

The beleaguered Federal Reserve chairman is scheduled to appear before a Congressional committee this afternoon to offer a belated explanation for the government's handling of Bank of America's troubled merger with Merrill Lynch. Mr. Bernanke is rapidly running out of fig leafs and deodorizer to conceal the dubious nature of the forced marriage in January between the banking giant and the bankrupt speculative house on Wall Street.

Sooner or later, we all are going to know whether the Feds ordered BOA's former chairman to swallow Merrill while concealing its staggering losses from his shareholders, or if BOA squeezed $100 billion in TARP booty from the government by threatening to take the entire financial system down.

The suspense is palpable, but there's no need to wait until this afternoon to find out what Gentle Ben is going to say. We've obtained an advanced copy of his testimony. Put on your favorite Zamfir flute CD and pour yourself a lukewarm glass of Chardonnay, and enjoy.

Bernanke: ''First and foremost, I apologize to the nation. I have made decisions that have hurt and will continue to hurt you, and for that I'm sincerely sorry. Hank Paulson and Tim Geithner have stood by me through bailout after bailout, through hard time after hard time, and neither of them deserve this. Please offer them your prayers.''

Committee Chairman: ''What exactly are you apologizing for, Mr. Bernanke?''

Bernanke: ''I apologize to my staff. I misled them about this whole thing, and as a result the people of the United States believed something that wasn't true. I want to make absolutely clear that over the past six months at no time did anyone on my staff intentionally relay false information to other federal officials or the public at large. What they've said over the past six months they believed to be true, and I'm sorry to them for putting them in this position. There are many people out there right now who are hurt, angry and disappointed with me, and rightfully so. Over the time that I have left in office, I'm going to devote my energy to building back the trust the American people have placed in me. I ask for your forgiveness, and your prayers for everyone who I've hurt."

Committee Chairman: ''Mr. Bernanke, please get to the point. Tell us how this merger came about.''

Bernanke: ''It started with a really earnest conversation between two dear, dear friends eight months ago. Then something sparked between them. During this sparking thing, a grace and calm and a level of sophistication overcame them, and two magnificent parts of our financial system were drawn together in mutual feelings of attraction. I sat between them and observed that we were in a hopelessly -- some might say impossible -- or perhaps a hopelessly, impossible situation in the fading glow of our shrinking GDP. How in the world this lightening (sic) strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure.''

Committee Chairman: ''Can you be a little more specific?''

Bernanke: ''As I have said to you before, the parties had a special feeling about each other from the first time they met, but these feelings were contained even though they enjoyed this special friendship. I suspect I felt a little vulnerable sitting between them because this is ground I had never certainly never covered before, so I asked Bob Rubin for some pearls of wisdom.''

Committee Chairman:''And what did Mr. Rubin tell you?''

Bernanke: ''He told me to sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart would cry out for the union of these two lovers. And from the merging of their voices, the swapping of their credit default derivatives, the combination of their delicate cash flows, as billions of crisp new Franklins sprang forth in a new birth of financial freedom, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that no executive compensation package is too big to be negated by abject failure --''

Committee Chairman: ''Mr. Bernanke, we'll have to end here. Three committee members have booked seats on the 2 p.m. flight to Buenos Aires out of Reagan National. I assume you will make yourself available for further questioning?''

Bernanke: ''That's correct, Mr. Chairman. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.''

Last call in Steel City

About 30 years ago, you could walk into just about any self-respecting saloon in America and get the same response to a word-association game matching beers and the towns that made them famous.

Such as: Schlitz -- Milwaukee, WI, Iron City -- Pittsburgh, PA, Rheingold -- Brooklyn, NY, Rolling Rock -- Latrobe, PA-- and so on and so forth.

Not any more.

This week, the historic red-brick brewery in Pittsburgh that has been churning out Iron City beer since 1861 will produce its last few drops of the Steel City's favorite golden liquid.

The brewery, which survived the Civil War, two World Wars and a Great Depression, is closing -- but Iron City will not disappear. It soon will emerge from the taps at a brewery in Latrobe, PA, that used to produce Rolling Rock.

Rolling Rock is now produced in Newark, NJ. And the last time we checked on Rheingold, the long-defunct New York staple was briefly produced at Schmidt's Philadelphia brewery (although they still attempted to market it as a ''great New York beer'').

Confused? Well, here are some sobering statistics that may clear things up for you.

In the mid-1990s, the Iron City brewery cooked up about a million barrels of suds annually. According to reports, this year's output at the Pittsburgh landmark will total less than 171,000 barrels.

By comparison, industry titans like Anheuser-Busch InBev and Miller each put more than 50 million barrels of beer on the American wall every year. For several decades now, about two dozen large regional breweries have waged a valiant fight for survival against these giants, who pour out an ocean of industrial-strength lager each day at 20 mega-breweries throughout the U.S.

But the continued dominance of the national beer icons is not putting the final nail in the coffin of our favorite local brands. This is being hammered home by the emergence of the craft beer and microbrewery business, which has grown exponentially throughout the country.

According to www.beertown.org, there now are more than 1,500 craft breweries operating in the U.S., including 65 small regional breweries, 446 microbreweries and 990 brewpubs. A craft brewery is an outlet that produces less than 2 million barrels annually (with at least 50 percent of its volume malt beer); a microbrewery produces less than 15,000 barrels per year (with 75 percent or more of its product sold offsite); a brewpub is a restaurant/brewery that sells 25 percent or more of its beer on site (i.e. -- the beer is brewed primarily for sale in the restaurant or bar).

The Beertown site reports that output of U.S. craft breweries increased to nearly 8.6 million barrels in 2008, compared to about 8 million barrels the year before, while output for non-craft regional breweries remained, well, flat. The craft brew industry is generating more than $6 billion in annual revenue, growing 6 percent by volume and more than 10 percent by dollars annually. Within the craft suds sector, microbreweries are proliferating at an even faster rate.

So don't waste too much time crying in your last mug of ''authentic'' Iron City, beer fans. While some of the great old names are going the way of the dinosaurs, these are being replaced by a kaleidoscopic universe of new labels and flavors. We'd give you a breakdown of the mindboggling number of choices now available, but we're getting thirsty.

However, before we head out to hoist a few, we will serve up one heady factoid that absolutely knocks our socks off --

It turns out that the state with the greatest per capita number of breweries in the United States is -- you may want to sit down before you read this --VERMONT. That's right, the Green Mountain State has a brewery for every 32,698 citizens. The runners up are Montana, Oregon, Maine and Colorado.

Wait a minute. We just received a challenge from the great state of New Jersey. A guy in Kearny, NJ, claims his town has more bars per street corner than any city in America. He wants a recount.

In the interest of fair and balanced journalism, this calls for a thorough investigation.

Return to sender

''Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.''

These words are etched in stone atop the nation's largest post office building in midtown Manhattan. For well over a century, they have served as a credo repeated with pride by mail carriers throughout the land.

Unfortunately, this famous motto soon may require a dismal addendum --

''However, an economic downturn and the widespread use of electronic communications have necessitated severe cutbacks which may curtail your service at certain times and places.''

The U.S. Postal Service has been on a downward trajectory for the past 20 years. As use of the Internet for primary communications, including payment of bills, has increased exponentially, the overall number of postal workers has shrunk dramatically. In 2000, there were more than 800,000 postal workers. Today, the total is barely more than 636,000. The seemingly annual increase in postage fees has worked to accelerate this trend, rather than stabilize it.

Throughout this downsizing, the Postal Service has managed to keep its commitment to deliver the mail six days a week and to maintain post offices in just about every community in the United States. This commitment is now being challenged by the economic downturn, and it may be down for the count.

According to reports, the Postal Service currently is evaluating at least 3,100 of its 36,700 post offices and retail outlets for closure or consolidation. It also is considering eliminating Saturday mail delivery. A decision is expected by Oct. 1.

The numbers confronting the government's decision-makers are grim: the nation's mail-carrying service reported a $2-billion loss for the quarter ending March 31; mail volume is down almost 15 percent from last year. According to a report in the Wall Street Journal, postal officials are predicting the agency will handle about 180 billion pieces of mail during this fiscal year, about 32 billion pieces less than the volume handled just two years ago.

Predictably, the American Postal Workers Union has pledged to fight the proposed cuts, calling them ''desperate.''

A spokesman for the local dog population told us his brethen would join the postal workers in opposing the curtailing of Saturday service.

''Yeah, I know weÕre mortal enemies and all that, but the weekend is going to be very dull if we donÕt get a least one shot at the mailman,'' he said.

We were going to ask his opinion of electronic bill-paying services, but he rolled over on his back and started snoring before we could pose the question.

The mouse that roared

The New York Times reported today that scientists have successfully implanted inside a mouse the human gene that governs language and speaking skills.

The mouse already is talking, and he's got a lot to say. We caught up with this impressive specimen at a secret government lab. We can't disclose the precise location, but we can tell you it is in Wisconsin.

Our subject was working out in a makeshift gym next to his cage. He was doing some laps on a hamster wheel, a poster of a huge slice of Jarlsberg taped to the wall in front of him for inspiration. A Green Bay Packers ''cheesehead'' hat rested jauntily atop the cage.

We asked the mouse his name.

''You can call me Fred. Call me Mickey and I'll snap your tail!''

We immediately noted Fred's New York accent.

''You got a problem with that?''

We asked Fred what was on his mind. Turns out he has been reading the newspapers that line his cage every day. He also watches a flat-screen TV on the wall. Fred has a remote he controls with his tail. He says he's been switching back and forth between the financial channels and the NBA playoffs lately.

''What's up with this Bernanke guy? He prints a trillion in new bills and then he warns us that inflation is going to ruin the economy? I could have told him that. You make too much Swiss and soon it's gonna to be worthless. Then everybody is gonna start hoarding Jarlsberg and Roquefort.''

Fred was particularly upset about something he read in a copy of Crain's New York Business the other day.

''That 35 percent vacancy rate in Manhattan office space is a killer. My cousin Vinnie doesn't even bother to crawl onto the F train in Flatbush anymore. What's the point of dragging your tail to the city every day if there aren't even any crumbs on the floor when you get there?''

Fred said he was pleased with President Obama's choice of a new pet.

''Dogs are loyal. Dogs are friendly. You can always count on a dog. Cats have an agenda, and it's never yours.''

Fred stepped off the wheel and asked us to pass a small white towel over to him. While he was rolling around the towel, he told us he is disappointed the showdown between Lebron and Kobe didn't materialize in the NBA finals.

''I was dreaming about it for months. Massive consumption of Doritos and nachos all over America. Coast-to-coast crumbs.''

''Well, maybe next year,'' he sighed.

Much to our surprise, Fred said he caught Keith Olbermann's critique of Detroit Economic Growth Corp. director George Jackson the other night on Countdown. Olbermann put Jackson on his ''Worst Persons'' list for allegedly not working hard enough to keep the old Tigers Stadium from being torn down.

''The humans have enough stadiums, and those stupid luxury boxes are hermetically sealed. Leave the old dumps for the rest of us.''

Fred also told us he recently got an angry phone call from his cousin Sean in Beantown.

''He's griping that Big Papi is stinking up the middle of the lineup like a piece of aged provolone. Says he can't even bear to sit in the Fenway scoreboard and watch anymore. Besides, not much to eat in the scoreboard since Manny left town.''

We asked Fred if he is ready to become a global celebrity when word gets around about his speaking skills.

''I'm keeping a low profile right now because I'm doing some off-the-books work for the CIA. Those jokers finally realized that all those high-tech gadgets don't measure up to some paws on the ground.''

However, Fred assured us that, when the time is ripe, he's ready for what he called his "closeup."

''I've got an endorsement package with Jarlsberg that's gonna give me two points on every wheel, a book deal, two movie cameos, and they're trying to work me into a Super Bowl commercial for a new cellphone camera. By the time I'm done, it'll be bigger than Lebron and Nike.''

We had dozens of other questions for Fred, but his iPhone rang and we had to cut it short.

''Gotta take this,'' Fred said, stepping on the touchscreen. ''It's my lawyer. He's trying to get an injunction to stop a screening of Fantasia at the Disney World IMAX.''

Fred made a face. Then he got really worked up.

''Terrible stereotype. A mouse wearing gloves. You ever see a mouse wearing gloves? We're really fed up with it and we're not gonna take it anymore. In this day and age, we don't have to. Are we mice or are we --- aw, you know what I mean.''

Something tells us we're going to be hearing from Fred again soon.

Homeland security on the range

Like many of the small towns across America, Hardin, MT (pop. 4,300) is hurting for jobs these days. It also has a surplus of prime real estate, assuming that anything other than buffalo steaks can be called prime in the microscopic hamlet in southeastern Montana.

Downtown Hardin, not a bustling city center even in good times, is quieter than ever. The Dollar Store reportedly is going out of business and the Mini Mall soon will be shuttered. A few blocks away, a new $27-million detention facility also sits empty.

When they floated some bonds a few years ago to build the Two Rivers Regional Correctional Facility, Hardin's city fathers hoped the prison would generate employment opportunities beyond the handful of guards that would be needed to keep the local cattle rustlers under lock and key. Obviously, some short-order cooks would be engaged to feed the staff and inmates, and a couple of locksmiths would be on call to keep the latches working. Eventually, perhaps, a Walmart would arrive to provide all the sundries yearned for by a growing population.

It didn't work out that way. The facility has yet to house any prisoners, even though it was ready to receive them two years ago.

The 464-bed prison has scores of surveillance cameras, a magnetometer, and dozens of orange prison jump suits in a storage room filled with shoes, towels, blankets, razors and underwear. It also has a generous supply of riot helmets, gas masks, batons, shields, and guns for guards. Just no prisoners.

Confronted by a collapsing economy and little prospect of a sudden crime surge, Hardin's leadership did what Westerners are famous for -- they improvised. When he caught wind of the hubbub in Washington over President Obama's decision to close the infamous prison in Guantanamo, Cuba, Greg Smith, Hardin's economic development administrator, sprang into action.

While the rest of the country was fixated on the debate over whether to transfer any of the terrorist detainees now housed at Guantanamo into the United States -- and most of the members of Congress were shouting an emphatic ''No!'' -- Smith announced to Hardin's city council that he had come up with an idea that could solve everybody's problem.

Let's take all of the detainees in Guantanamo and bring them here to our prison in Hardin, he declared. ''It would bring jobs. Believe it or not, it would even bring hope and opportunity,'' he later told CNN.

Hardin's prison has single, double, and dorm-style cells, but Smith says it could be modified to keep detainees separated. He points out that because only terror detainees would be housed at Two Rivers, they couldn't radicalize run-of-the-mill felons. Smith also told CNN that a large dormitory room in the prison, now filled with empty bunk beds, could be converted into a mosque. Smith, who apparently doesnÕt have any correctional facility experience, also claims it would be simple to upgrade the medium-security prison to meet maximum-security standards.

Even more startling than Smith's proposal was the reaction of Hardin's city council: they voted 5-0 to endorse the idea.

Since we already are about 14 minutes into Hardin's 15 minutes of fame, here's a brief synopsis of what happened next.

Montana's congressional delegation rose as one and did their best imitation of Norwegian artist Edvard Munch's seminal painting, The Scream. When they were able to speak after the initial shock wore off, the state's two U.S. senators made it clear that Smith's proposal is a non-starter.

"Housing potential terrorists in Montana is not good for our state," said Sen. Max Baucus. ''These people stop at nothing. Their primary goal in life, and death, is to destroy America.''

Sen. Jon Tester also weighed in -- ''I just don't think it's appropriate, that's all. I don't think they know what they're asking for.''

According to CNN, the opinions of Hardin natives are mixed. A sampling taken on North Central Avenue in the heart of downtown Hardin ranged from a waitress who said she would move out if the terrorists moved in, to a manicurist who said bringing the detainees to the poorest county in Montana would create jobs and make the place safer since it would get special attention from law enforcement.

When we last checked, economic development director Smith was offering to give any doubters a free three-day test lockup so they can see for themselves how secure the prison is.

Sorry, Mr. Smith. We enjoy taking economic development tours, but we'll pass on that one.

We will, however, tip our hat to your moxie and can-do patriotism. And we're pleased to offer a helpful suggestion for filling Two Rivers if your Guantanamo transfer plan doesn't work out --

Round up your posse and ride on over to Wall Street, pardner. They got more criminals there than you can shake a lasso at.

The Blago Infamy Factory Expands

On April 23rd, I declared as the "Best Idea of the Week" an Illinois' court's denial of Rod Blagojevich's participation in an upcoming reality show, "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!" Citing reasons such as his pending criminal charges and the fact that he is not a celebrity, I felt Blago did not deserve to use his impeachment as a launching pad to TV stardom and monetary reward.

Well, the Chicago Sun-Times reports today:

In another bizarre chapter of Illinois political history, the wife of onetime governor Rod Blagojevich is likely to finalize a deal this week to appear in a reality TV show.

"It appears she's going to do it," said Sheldon Sorosky, attorney for Rod Blagojevich.

Patti Blagojevich will appear as a contestant on the reality TV show "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!" according to an attorney for her husband, Ex-Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

Sorosky said Patti Blagojevich plans to fly to Los Angeles this week to finalize a deal to appear on the new NBC prime time TV show: "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!" There's no indication what NBC has offered to pay Mrs. Blagojevich, but her husband's onetime deal called for up to $123,000.

NBC executives sought to woo Patti Blagojevich onto the show almost immediately after U.S. District Judge James Zagel last month blocked the former governor from being a contestant.

The show will be filmed in Costa Rica. Because of the federal charges against Rod Blagojevich, he needed approval to leave the country.

Meanwhile, Sam Adam Jr., onetime lawyer for R&B star R. Kelly, formally filed his intent with the court to act as the ex-governor's lawyer.

"I'm ready to go," he said Monday.

I'm really not a fan of the advancement of despicable people due to their despicable actions. "Profane Patti" is even less of a celebrity than her husband, for starters, but NBC's hasty move to replace the ex-governor with one of his (life) partners in crime is nauseating. Surely there are other fame-hungry, D-list attention seekers who would be willing to compete for cash in Costa Rica. Give Ann Coulter a call. I hear Manny Ramirez has some time to spare. Pluck out one of the Jackson 5 or one of the Brady Bunch....anyone but ousted politicians and/or their spouses.

An even better idea for NBC: fill the Costa Rican jungle with Americans who were recently laid off from their jobs. Let THEM compete for cash.

Paging Little Caesar

California is making preparations to hold a fire sale of some its most iconic properties as it continues to grapple with a gargantuan state budget shortfall.

The nation's largest state, which patched together an emergency budget fix in February that closed a $42-billion deficit, now projects at least $15 billion in red ink for the fiscal year that begins July 1.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has signaled that his initial strategy for dealing with the latest budget gap may include deep cuts in state education spending and the auctioning off of some of the most famous state-owned addresses in California.

The potential for-sale list released by the governor's office this week includes the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, which has hosted two Olympics and can seat almost 100,000 patrons, and San Quentin Prison, currently home to some of the state's most hardened criminals. Also under consideration for privatization are the Cow Palace concert hall in Daly, CA, and the Orange County fairgrounds.

According to reports, San Quentin isn't considered an attractive property simply because it evokes memories of tough guys and machine guns. The legendary prison sits on a prime piece of scenic waterfront real estate north of San Francisco. So, presumably, the prison would be shut down if the property is purchased by private developers.

However, there may be a considerable snag to any plan to raise money by selling San Quentin. Gov. Schwarzenegger has hinted that the sale of the prison would be accompanied by an early-release program that would spring about 40,000 inmates currently incarcerated in the state's overcrowded prison system. California legislators have rejected the early-release idea in each of the past four years, most recently in April.

The proposed $400-million price tag for the Coliseum also may prove to be unrealistic: according to a report in the Wall Street Journal, a 2001 appraisal of the landmark stadium pegged its value at just $16 million -- a figure that may drop when currently depressed market levels are included in the calculation.

We've given some thought to the identity of the ideal buyer for both the Coliseum and San Quentin. Since we assume that it would need to be someone with a ''Caeser-like'' persona who also may be comfortable in a prison setting, the first name that came to mind was...Edward G. Robinson!

Unfortunately, the star of one of our all-time favorite gangster flicks died in 1973. So that leaves us with ---

Donald Trump in a fedora?

Hydrogen bombshell

A few months ago, we reported in this space about a test-drive we took in a hydrogen-powered Chevy Equinox. The car was one of about 100 fuel-cell-powered prototypes that had been hand-built at General Motors' Fuel Cell Activities Center in Honeoye Falls, NY, a few miles from Rochester.

The only sound coming out of the hydrogren-powered Chevy as it accelerated was the hum of the tires, and the only exhaust it produced came out in the form of water vapor.

We left the General Motors facility near Rochester last year hopeful that we had just experienced a preview of the car of the future. We looked forward to the mass-production of fuel-cell powered vehicles as a key solution to a carbon-based transportation system that is contributing to the looming catastrophe of climate change.

However, we noted in our report that the limited range of the prototype (160 miles on a full four-kilogram tank of hydrogen), the high cost of producing it, and the lack of a network of hydrogen gas stations in the U.S. were major hurdles that would have to be overcome to make hydrogen-powered cars a reality.

It now appears that the U.S. Department of Energy has concluded that these hurdles are insurmountable, at least for the next couple of decades.

Releasing energy-related details of the federal budget last week for the fiscal year beginning Oct. 1, Energy Secretary Steven Chu disclosed that the government has determined that development of hydrogen fuel cells is not feasible at this time. Therefore, Dr. Chu said, the government will cut off funds for continued development of hydrogen-powered vehicles.

Chu indicated that coming up with a way to transport hydrogen across the country as part of a new fuel system was the biggest obstacle to commercializing the technology. As a result of the Energy Department's decision, government funding will be steered toward the continued development of electric car batteries that can be plugged directly into the power grid.

Meanwhile, the Environmental Protection Agency is indicating it is preparing to authorize an increase in the amount of ethanol that can be blended with gasoline. The percentage of ethanol permitted in the blend likely will increase from 10 percent to 15 percent.

Engine manufacturers and consumer advocates have raised concerns about the impending ruling, suggesting that warranties for many of the estimated 500 million gasoline engines in use in cars, trucks, lawn mowers and other products prohibit use of fuel containing more than 10 percent ethanol.

EPA is responding to a request from Growth Energy, an ethanol lobbying group, which joined with 54 ethanol manufacturers to ask for a waiver of the Clean Air Act to permit more ethanol to be added to gasoline.

According to the American Petroleum Institute, nearly three-quarters of the gasoline sold in the U.S. last year contained some ethanol. EPA previously has approved the use of ethanol blends of up to 85 percent ethanol, but only for cars and trucks certified by manufacturers as ''flexible fuel'' vehicles. The requested 15-percent blend would replace the standard blend that is sold across-the-board for all vehicles.

POTUS envy

You've probably heard by now that former President George W. Bush already has raised $100 million for his presidential library in Texas, outpacing previous fundraising efforts for the mausoleums built to honor other U.S. chief executives.

We're not sure why it became a tradition to build a mammoth facility dressed up as a tourist attraction to house all of the papers a president hasn't shredded, burned or buried on his way out of the White House.

The first official presidential library honored Rutherford B. Hayes of Ohio, who grabbed the big prize in 1876 in a disputed election with Samuel Tilden, then New York's governor. Tilden appeared to have won the popular vote, but some wild shenanigans blocked the Electoral College from confirming the result. After several weeks of ugly political mud-wrestling, a special "commission" of five U.S. senators, five House members and five Supreme Court justices handed the presidency to Hayes by one vote, an eerie precursor to the Bush v. Gore fiasco of 2000.

Hayes wasn't exactly Rushmore material. The most interesting items found at his library in Fremont, OH, are the pair of fuzzy slippers Abraham Lincoln was said to be wearing the night before he was shot (they have deer antlers on them) and a piece of the actual White House fence, which surrounds the building.

There's even a presidential library honoring Gerald R. Ford, who became the 38th president when Richard Nixon crawled out of Washington in disgrace in 1974. In the first application of the 25th Amendment to the Constitution, Ford had been appointed vice president by Nixon after Spiro Agnew resigned as part of a plea bargain to avoid jail time for accepting envelopes stuffed with cash from Maryland contractors. Unable to get elected president on his own after he pardoned Nixon, Ford only served for two years.

Speaking of Nixon, there are some rather unusual displays at his museum in Whittier, CA. A glass case devoted to Nixon's war record includes a pair of deuces said to be the hand Tricky Dick deployed to bluff a colonel out of $1,500 while he spent WWII playing poker on a supply-chain outpost in the Pacific. There's also a picture of the future president in uniform manning a grill at ''Nick's Hamburger Stand.''

Because Nixon resigned after the Watergate scandal consumed his presidency, his was the first library built entirely with private funding. Nixon's devotees came up with a novel solution to deal with the scandal: visitors walk through an empty room with mirrored walls fronted by what appear to be knee-high benches. It is only by leaning over the benches and looking at the mirrors that one sees the Watergate timeline, which is reflected from the back of the benches.

You can almost hear the 37th president telling the designers: ''We could do that -- but that would be wrong!''

In recent years, architecture has become almost as important as substance in our presidential libraries.

This trend was established by I.M. Pei's spectacular homage to John F. Kennedy's love of the sea. The Kennedy library, which sits on a small peninsula jutting out into the middle of Boston Harbor, is shaped like a huge white sail. Every accoutrement in the building has an ocean-going theme, right down to the door knobs.

Which brings us back to George W. Don't tell anybody, but a guy who runs a liquor store in Crawford, TX sent us a detailed plan for the George W. Bush Presidential Library. W. apparently left it on his counter when he stopped in recently to purchase a bottle of Jim Beam.

We don't want to spill all the beans, but we can tell you that the governing principle of the library's design will be ''Fun and Games.'' The place is going to be set up like an amusement park, with several nods to the 43rd president's quirky sense of humor and his penchant for going on vacation, which is where he spent at least a third of his presidency.

According to the plan, architect Frank Gehry is the leading candidate to design the building, if he can figure out how to make a 1-million-square-foot structure shaped like a 10-gallon hat.

Visitors will enter through the brim of the hat, where they immediately will be confronted with the quandary of whether to step on a mosaic, imbedded in the floor, that bears the likeness of W.'s father, George H.W. Bush, the 41st president.

This was W.'s idea. He had the mosaic removed from the entrance to Baghdad's biggest hotel (where it had been installed by Saddam Hussein after the first Gulf War). W. can't wait to see the look on Poppy's face when Bush 41 enters the new museum after the ribbon-cutting.

Once inside, visitors will board a roller-coaster tram about the size of the Space Mountain ride in Disneyland but shaped like an old-fashioned Western stagecoach.

We don't want to spoil all the surprises, but here are some coming attractions:

The roller coaster starts slowly, moving past a marble gateway with the giant words HALL OF GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENTS chiseled on its front. It enters a huge empty space with some fuzzy photos of W. greeting various luminaries hanging on the walls. As visitors try to focus on the pictures, huge jets of steam start spraying from nozzles in the ceiling, the lights dim, and everyone is showered with a substance that feels and smells like baby powder. A neon sign flashes: WEAPONS OF MASS DISTRACTION!

The coaster does several spins upside down in a series of tunnels labeled STRATEGERY ALLEY. In the last tunnel, the walls change colors as a sign flashes THREAT-LEVEL HIGH! All of the visitors' cell phones suddenly start ringing at the same time. Then the coaster climbs a steep hill labeled BUILDUP TO WAR.

Once the tram reaches the top, it plunges into a deep abyss at bloodcurdling speed. At the bottom, what looks like a huge data punch-card swings down and threatens to decapitate the visitors. The bottom half of the card breaks off harmlessly at the last second. ''Hanging chad,'' says the tour guide.

The coaster hits another incline labeled THE SURGE and then enters a hall of funhouse mirrors where the visitors see grotesquely distorted images of themselves under the label COUNCIL OF ECONOMIC ADVISORS.

Near the top of the second incline, a Dick Cheney robot dressed as Darth Vader douses everybody with a bucket of water. They are dried off by hot air shooting out of nozzles embedded in the mouth of a bust of Karl Rove.

When the coaster hits the peak, a group of beauty queens in swimsuits with sashes labeled WALL STREET will appear offering the visitors flutes of Cristal champagne. But before anyone can grab a free drink, the lights suddenly go out and the coaster drops off the edge of a 90-degree, 10-story embankment and takes a plunge that will, according to the plan, ''create G-forces equivalent to those that induce blackouts on jet fighter pilots.''

At the end of the ride, dizzy visitors will stagger across the faux deck of an aircraft carrier, where they can have their photos taken next to a cardboard cutout of W. in his flight suit under a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner.

Then it's on to the doghouse-shaped snack bar, called Barney's Cafe, for some dog dishes filled with pretzels. Visitors will be handed thick menus by waitresses wearing Barbara Bush masks.

Opening the menu, they will be startled by an incredibly realistic hologram of George H. W. Bush throwing up on the Japanese prime minister. A cardboard cutout next to the lunch counter of W. with a bullhorn will play a recorded message from the 43rd president:

''HEH...HEH...HEH -- HOPE Y'ALL ENJOY THE FOOD!''

The George W. Bush Presidential Library will be rated PG-13, meaning the average 13-year-old will really like the place.